Saturday, January 27, 2007


I knew some guys in college that would watch "Friends" just to see Courtney Cox and Jennifer Aniston nip out. Once they pointed it out, I realized that in every single episode, it would happen at least once. Before that, I knew that guys liked boobies but I really hadn't thought about the nipple factor. I just assumed guys liked boobs because they were big and bouncy, or something. I personally always thought that nipples were silly-looking (sort of like the entire male body).

Girls don't talk about nipples. We really should start, though. Boy Nipples are a hilarious thing. No one has any plausible explanation for them. Most people probably don't even notice Boy Nipples. I didn't give them a second thought, until one fateful night at my friend Bill's house.

I'd like to preface this next paragraph with a plea to Nipples's wife:
Nipples started this. I just have to explain why there are comments from a someone that refers to himself as "Nipples." I'd be mad if some stranger wanted to talk about Josh's nipples, but Josh's nipples don't have it coming like Nipples's nipples do. Don't be mad at me. Nipples deserves to have his story told.

My friend BIll has a friend that is constantly nipped out. After an evening with me, I think he probably understands how every woman with a cup size of A or better feels when no one will meet their eyes. I couldn't help but stare at his nipples. I can't tell you what color his eyes are, whether he has facial hair, or whether he even has a face. I just know that he has the perkiest nipples I've ever seen on any man, woman, or beast. They seemed to thrive on the attention, too. The more I talked about them, the more they wanted to hang out and be noticed. They were the Paris Hilton of nipples. She doesn't deserve her fame, but the more she's seen in public, the more poeple want to talk about her.

I bet right now, wherever they are, whatever the temperature the room is, they're at full attention. They're probably flattered that they get a whole blog entry devoted entirely to them, especially knowing that I haven't blogged about my first time skiing, my Christmas break, or the cruise we just got back from. I can't help it, though. They have a hold on me.

Thursday, January 04, 2007

Double Fudge!

After spending a solid 5 minutes in front of the vending machine talking myself out of delicious chocolate Zingers, I settled on a low-fat and tasty alternative: Skittles. I've been hooked on Skittles since high school. As I walked to my desk, feeling proud about not pumping 30 grams of fat in my soon-to-be-in-a-bikini -on-a-cruise-ship body, I had a sinking feeling as I remembered last night's candy hearts debacle. I checked the label, and sure enough, those little asshole Skittles have gelatin in them. That just f'ing figures. I put them out by the copiers with a "Free to a Good Home" sign, found another dollar, and went back to the vending machine. The Zingers were totally laughing at me.
Stupid f'ing Skittles.

Wednesday, January 03, 2007

Son of a...

My favorite holiday in terms of candy is Valentine's Day. I love the jelly hearts and sour cherries, but my absolute favorite was, up until about 2 hours ago, the cheap little Necco conversation hearts. They come in individual boxes, cost about a quarter per box, and taste a little like Tums. Or chalk. Or BenGay.

A couple months ago, I decided to take the meatless thing a step further and eliminate gelatin completely. I had read an article about how prevalent it is, so I started looking out for it. I have always thought that the concept of gelatin was nasty, so when I found out about the marrow and hooves and stuff, I quit eating the obvious sources. Reading the article grossed me out enough to quit eating Junior Mints (Marrow Mints), Altoids (seriously. Why the F is there gelatin in Altoids?), marshmallows (which sucks ass, because I love Rice Krispie treats. All is not lost, however... Scotchies are even better and use corn syrup and peanut butter instead), and most gummy bears, including Gummi Savers.

Tonight Josh and I were at Hy-Vee, getting FlexAll to ease my bruised and broken body (another blog entry is forthcoming. Sit tight, you impatient ass) and looking for cookies without trans fat. I saw the display of chalky conversation hearts and made a beeline. I picked the box that seemed to have the fewest green soap-flavored hearts and joined Josh in the checkout.

A side note... a guy that Josh knew was in line in front of us. He had a Tombstone pizza and a sixer of Miller Lite tallboys. That spells single and lonely to me, but Josh says the guy has a girlfriend, and she's a stripper. Either it was her night to work, or his "hot stripper girlfriend" actually lives in "Canada" and no one's ever really seen her.

Anyway, I got home and went to town on the box of hearts, until I happened to glance at the ingredients and noticed that GELATIN was one of the f'ing ingredients. Why the F would they need to put gelatin in crunchy candy hearts? It's f'ing bullshit. I can say bullshit, right? I forgot Josh's rules. So I threw out the rest of the stupid delicious hearts.

While I was sitting here and suddenly got all freaked out about the cherry jel hearts and sour cherries. I Googled it and found out that I'm okay, as long as those bastards at Brach's didn't leave out any ingredients on their website just to cruelly get my hopes up. Both candies contain Carnuba wax, though, whatever the F that is. I guess it doesn't matter, because after the trip I plan to make to Hy-Vee tomorrow, I'll have a belly full of it.