Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Welcome to My Hell

I hate small towns. I always have. I think all people living in small towns should be herded into a central location, which we will call a "city." There will be too many people for nosy f'ers to keep track of. There will be no more tightrolling, mullets, perms, or torn Nascar shirts. Sorry.

I also hate parades. I hate them from days of being pulled out of school when I was too young to (drink) truly enjoy St Patrick's Day just so my mom could make us march in the parade carrying stupid-ass signs. The worst was "This One Is For Liz's Ladies," or something. People kept asking Matt and I who Liz was. 10-year-old Molly just shrugged. 28-year-old Molly would've told them to suck it. The exception to parades is anything in Louisiana, besides Mardi Gras. Those people know what a parade is really about (drinking).

I hate clowns. I shouldn't need to justify this. John Wayne Gacy was a clown. In his spare time, he killed people and buried them in his basement. The monster from the book/movie "IT" took the form of a clown. Pennywise still scares the piss out of me, even when he's making snarky remarks that make me giggle. I giggle while peeing in terror.
What could I possibly hate more than small towns, parades, and clowns? How about a small town parade with a dozen clowns riding around on motorized vehicles? Yeah, that's about as close to Hell as I've ever been. Clowns should never be allowed access to anything that makes them able to catch up with me to eat me. It was also 90 degrees with no shade or breeze, and I was in jeans and a t-shirt instead of shorts and a tank top because of the advice of a METEOROLOGIST. You know, the guy that forecasts the weather and tells us how hot or cold it's going to be? Yeah, him.

This particular parade boasts being the largest in Eastern Iowa. I don't doubt that, because it was at least a month long. It was tractor after f'ing tractor. Since when did parade entrants stop trying? There were only about 2 or 3 actual floats in the whole thing. Other than the 3 floats and the neverending tractors, it was a slew of beef, pork, and county princesses waving from the back of F-150s.

I won't even point out the irony of a Pork Princess weighing at least 200 pounds. That would make me an asshole.

Wednesday, July 12, 2006


Know why I haven't been blogging lately? Fine, I'll tell you, but you have to promise not to judge. I used to come home and blog after work, before Josh got home. Then about a month ago, I discovered that Beverly Hills, 90210 is on SoapNet at 4 and 5. I never noticed that when I was working at ESP, because I'd usually get home around 5:30, and by the time I tended to the naughty dogs, it was already 6. Now I get home before 5 so I can catch the second episode. PLUS, they have a trifecta every Saturday starting at 8.

I don't even know what I'll do if they ever get around to releasing the series on DVD. No one will see me for at least... let's see... ten seasons, around 25-30 episodes per season, three episodes per day... maybe five on weekends... we'll say 25 per week... Okay, no one will see me for at least ten weeks. If there are good extras on the DVDs, triple that. I obviously can't leave the house for anything besides work and groceries (only when Josh is out of town. If he's here, he can go to the store. He should respect my needs), but everyone is more than welcome to come over and share some laughs, tears, and memories with me and the West Beverly class of 1993. In fact, to pass the time and make things interesting, I propose a 90210 drinking game. Rules are below. Please note that this list is not exhaustive. I'm open to suggestions.
  • Brandon furrows his eyebrows: take a drink of your beer
  • Brenda's waistline is barely below her boobs: drink of beer
  • Someone starts a sentence with "Look" or "Listen" ("Look, Dylan, I think we should see other people" or "Listen, Andrea, you pronounce your name like a bitch"): drink your beer. Take a small drink if Brenda's in the episode, because she's a big offender and you don't want to get drunk too quickly.
  • Dylan is misunderstood: take a swig of whiskey directly from bottle. Some type of "bad boy" music should be playing in background. Electric guitar is the key here
  • Kelly mad that she's pretty and that no one takes her seriously: chug a nice warm glass of shut the hell up
  • Something horrible happens to Kelly (gets sexually harassed, gets shot, gets kidnapped by Single White Female-esque roommate, gets hooked on blow, almost gets raped, gets raped, ends up with amnesia, shoots rapist, etc.): shot of tequilla. All of those things seriously happened to her. Talk about shitty luck.
  • Andrea acts all self-important and needs a punch in the boob: drink your beer. If you think she has a good point, chug your beer and get the hell out of my house. Punch self in face.
  • Tori Spelling looks hideous but thinks she's looking hot (perfect example - Powerman 5000 video when she had to dance around all sexy-like in fishnets and what was either a bad wig or remnants of a perm. I just threw up thinking about it): once the dry heaves stop, take a pull off a bottle of vodka
  • Cut to commercial with shot of character making constipated face: shot of Metamucil
  • Someone gets hooked on drugs. Quick quiz: name a character that DIDN'T ever have some sort of addiction. Wrong! Guess again! Anyway: chug club soda spiked with Euphoria a la Emily Valentine's surprise to Brandon
  • Cindy Walsh is seen outside of the kitchen - this only happens twice in 300 episodes, so you need to bong three beers.
  • Someone says, "I'm scared" in whiny or breathy voice: 2 drinks
  • Clare looks like an ugly whore - sip your beer, because it happens nonstop. Her bitchy eyebrows piss me off. SHE IS NOT HOT! Shut up!
  • Two members of the group have borderline incestuous sex: chug your beer. Again, this happens quite a bit. Steve and Kelly. Kelly and Brandon. Brandon and Steve. Val and Noah. Noah and Donna. Donna and David. David and Gina. Gina and Dylan. Dylan and Kelly. Brenda and Dylan. It boggles one's mind.
  • You get drunk enough to start believing that a 35-year-old is a senior in high school: start a pot of coffee.
That's all I have for now. I'll come up with a lot more fodder as I get deeper into the reruns. Kelly Kapowski still hasn't even shown up on the weekday episodes yet. I love that yo-yo dieting, conspiring, pot-smoking whore.