Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Welcome to My Hell

I hate small towns. I always have. I think all people living in small towns should be herded into a central location, which we will call a "city." There will be too many people for nosy f'ers to keep track of. There will be no more tightrolling, mullets, perms, or torn Nascar shirts. Sorry.

I also hate parades. I hate them from days of being pulled out of school when I was too young to (drink) truly enjoy St Patrick's Day just so my mom could make us march in the parade carrying stupid-ass signs. The worst was "This One Is For Liz's Ladies," or something. People kept asking Matt and I who Liz was. 10-year-old Molly just shrugged. 28-year-old Molly would've told them to suck it. The exception to parades is anything in Louisiana, besides Mardi Gras. Those people know what a parade is really about (drinking).

I hate clowns. I shouldn't need to justify this. John Wayne Gacy was a clown. In his spare time, he killed people and buried them in his basement. The monster from the book/movie "IT" took the form of a clown. Pennywise still scares the piss out of me, even when he's making snarky remarks that make me giggle. I giggle while peeing in terror.
What could I possibly hate more than small towns, parades, and clowns? How about a small town parade with a dozen clowns riding around on motorized vehicles? Yeah, that's about as close to Hell as I've ever been. Clowns should never be allowed access to anything that makes them able to catch up with me to eat me. It was also 90 degrees with no shade or breeze, and I was in jeans and a t-shirt instead of shorts and a tank top because of the advice of a METEOROLOGIST. You know, the guy that forecasts the weather and tells us how hot or cold it's going to be? Yeah, him.

This particular parade boasts being the largest in Eastern Iowa. I don't doubt that, because it was at least a month long. It was tractor after f'ing tractor. Since when did parade entrants stop trying? There were only about 2 or 3 actual floats in the whole thing. Other than the 3 floats and the neverending tractors, it was a slew of beef, pork, and county princesses waving from the back of F-150s.

I won't even point out the irony of a Pork Princess weighing at least 200 pounds. That would make me an asshole.


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