Wednesday, July 12, 2006

9021-blow

Know why I haven't been blogging lately? Fine, I'll tell you, but you have to promise not to judge. I used to come home and blog after work, before Josh got home. Then about a month ago, I discovered that Beverly Hills, 90210 is on SoapNet at 4 and 5. I never noticed that when I was working at ESP, because I'd usually get home around 5:30, and by the time I tended to the naughty dogs, it was already 6. Now I get home before 5 so I can catch the second episode. PLUS, they have a trifecta every Saturday starting at 8.

I don't even know what I'll do if they ever get around to releasing the series on DVD. No one will see me for at least... let's see... ten seasons, around 25-30 episodes per season, three episodes per day... maybe five on weekends... we'll say 25 per week... Okay, no one will see me for at least ten weeks. If there are good extras on the DVDs, triple that. I obviously can't leave the house for anything besides work and groceries (only when Josh is out of town. If he's here, he can go to the store. He should respect my needs), but everyone is more than welcome to come over and share some laughs, tears, and memories with me and the West Beverly class of 1993. In fact, to pass the time and make things interesting, I propose a 90210 drinking game. Rules are below. Please note that this list is not exhaustive. I'm open to suggestions.
  • Brandon furrows his eyebrows: take a drink of your beer
  • Brenda's waistline is barely below her boobs: drink of beer
  • Someone starts a sentence with "Look" or "Listen" ("Look, Dylan, I think we should see other people" or "Listen, Andrea, you pronounce your name like a bitch"): drink your beer. Take a small drink if Brenda's in the episode, because she's a big offender and you don't want to get drunk too quickly.
  • Dylan is misunderstood: take a swig of whiskey directly from bottle. Some type of "bad boy" music should be playing in background. Electric guitar is the key here
  • Kelly mad that she's pretty and that no one takes her seriously: chug a nice warm glass of shut the hell up
  • Something horrible happens to Kelly (gets sexually harassed, gets shot, gets kidnapped by Single White Female-esque roommate, gets hooked on blow, almost gets raped, gets raped, ends up with amnesia, shoots rapist, etc.): shot of tequilla. All of those things seriously happened to her. Talk about shitty luck.
  • Andrea acts all self-important and needs a punch in the boob: drink your beer. If you think she has a good point, chug your beer and get the hell out of my house. Punch self in face.
  • Tori Spelling looks hideous but thinks she's looking hot (perfect example - Powerman 5000 video when she had to dance around all sexy-like in fishnets and what was either a bad wig or remnants of a perm. I just threw up thinking about it): once the dry heaves stop, take a pull off a bottle of vodka
  • Cut to commercial with shot of character making constipated face: shot of Metamucil
  • Someone gets hooked on drugs. Quick quiz: name a character that DIDN'T ever have some sort of addiction. Wrong! Guess again! Anyway: chug club soda spiked with Euphoria a la Emily Valentine's surprise to Brandon
  • Cindy Walsh is seen outside of the kitchen - this only happens twice in 300 episodes, so you need to bong three beers.
  • Someone says, "I'm scared" in whiny or breathy voice: 2 drinks
  • Clare looks like an ugly whore - sip your beer, because it happens nonstop. Her bitchy eyebrows piss me off. SHE IS NOT HOT! Shut up!
  • Two members of the group have borderline incestuous sex: chug your beer. Again, this happens quite a bit. Steve and Kelly. Kelly and Brandon. Brandon and Steve. Val and Noah. Noah and Donna. Donna and David. David and Gina. Gina and Dylan. Dylan and Kelly. Brenda and Dylan. It boggles one's mind.
  • You get drunk enough to start believing that a 35-year-old is a senior in high school: start a pot of coffee.
That's all I have for now. I'll come up with a lot more fodder as I get deeper into the reruns. Kelly Kapowski still hasn't even shown up on the weekday episodes yet. I love that yo-yo dieting, conspiring, pot-smoking whore.

2 Comments:

Anonymous JB said...

Clare is hot.

6:11 PM  
Blogger Kristin said...

How bout...Anytime one of the girls has on darker lip liner than lipstick. Clare and Donna would be your biggest offenders here. Take a drink of beer sharpen your lip liner and stick it in your eye.

1:09 PM  

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