Saturday, May 02, 2009

Does Anyone Still Read Me?

I was thinking about blogging about Vegas and my other recent antics, but I'm not sure it's worth it.

Wednesday, January 07, 2009

Where Do These People WORK?

I saw a Chevy SUV with this bumper sticker today:

WTF? I want to know what kind of life and job this guy has. I can't picture someone driving to a power lunch in a car with that sticker.

I bet there aren't a lot of girls lining up for rides. In fact, I bet he hasn't gotten laid since the Clinton administration, and that was because the girl was one of his childhood friends who felt sorry for him after he drunkenly confessed his love for her. Or he roofied her, whatever.

I bet he also is in a bowling league with three other guys with similar bumper stickers. They use terms like "rack" and "cans" and drink tall boys of PBR. The talk about the chick they did last weekend, but none of them suspect that they're all talking about the twenty minute session they had with the internet and some kleenex.

Monday, December 15, 2008

Brownie Bites My Ass, Part II

This time I mean it figuratively. He's turning into a little asshole. I baked a bunch of monster bars on Saturday, intending to take a few to each set of neighbors, and the little f-head pulled them off the counter and ate them while I was gone. This was only a few hours after I came home from a quick errand to find that he had pulled wrapping paper off the counter and shredded it in the living room. Then yesterday I came home to find him eating an apple. Brownie used to be our big dumb sweetie that never got into trouble. Now he's this big dumb dickhead that is just as bad as Maggie.

Josh just snapped at me...

I don't mean that he spoke harshly to me. I mean, he literally snapped his fingers at me like I'm the damn beagle. This is the same guy that absentmindedly was scratching me behind the ears one night after he was hugging me. I think he and Maggie would both be happier if it was just the two of them.

Friday, November 21, 2008

People Still Mosh? Seriously?

We went to the Nine Inch Nails concert a few weeks ago. The show itself kicked all kinds of ass, but the audience was filled with douchebags, meatheads, stoners (the mean ones, not the happy ones that just want to see how your cheek tastes) and white trash. We were within 20 feet of the stage, which was awesome. Trent and I totally had a moment. He SO wants to do me.

Anyway, about halfway into the show, the f'ers right in front of us started pushing each other and I knew trouble was afoot. I yelled at one when he kept knocking into me, but he didn't stop. So... I threw my beer on him. It was probably about 3/4 full. He turned around and started shouting, but I just shrugged and said, "Sorry, your stupid friend pushed me."

The vibe was quickly turning nasty, so Josh and I left our prime spot and moved toward the back. There were more stupid f'ers in a full blown mosh pit. It was a bunch of sweaty shirtless assholes that were oozing testosterone. Apparently there is no honor in moshing anymore, either. Back in the 90s, when it was still cool, the stupid moshers at least made sure that no one got seriously hurt. These dumb f's were trampling each other when one would fall, and pulling non-moshers in to beat up on them.

Just for fun, I looked up "moshing" on wikipedia and found an awesome quote from Billy Corgan at a Smashing Pumpkins show in the 90s:
"I just want to say one thing to you, you young, college lughead-types. I've been watchin' people like you sluggin' around other people for seven years. And you know what? It's the same shit. I wish you'd understand that in an environment like this, and in a setting like this, it's fairly inappropriate and unfair to the rest of the people around you. I, and we, publicly take a stand against moshing!"

Billy and I had a public falling out at the last show, after he showed enormous contempt for his fans by first launching into a 20 minute Pink Floyd-esque stoner jam session, then telling all of us not to vote, then yelling "Heavy Metal Sheep" over and over, and then doing an "encore" of a stupid version of "In the Summertime" that included an accordian and kazoos. It was f'ing bullshit. That quote redeems him at least a little bit, I suppose.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Brownie Bites My Ass

I mean, he literally bites my ass. If I don't pay attention to him right when I get home, the f'er bites jumps up me in the ass. He used to be such a sweet and quiet dog. Now he is this loud, ass biting little dickhead. I think he is getting dumber somehow, too.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Cancer-free beagle

We took Maggie to the vet tonight for an ultrasound, and she's all clear! Earlier this year, she was diagnosed with cancer on her liver. At the time, the vet wasn't sure what type of cancer it was and if it would come back after the tumors were removed. We had them removed anyway (one tumor the size of a baseball and the other the size of a walnut) and we lucked out. We bring her back in a few months for another scan, but the vet says if the cancer is gone for this long, it usually stays gone.

Maggie celebrated by knocking over our bathroom wastebasket and eating used Kleenex.