I Will Call Him Boob And He Will Like It

Our new manager started last week. We had already assumed it wasn't going to go well. As a pre-emptive strike, we added an extra letter to his name, making it "Boob." It stuck pretty well. Management kind of snuck him in. The VP, who had been acting as our boss for the last year, mentioned that he'd be starting in "a few weeks." The following week, an email came out to all employees, telling us to give the new Purchasing manager a warm welcome. I'm not sure what day he actually started, but we didn't meet him for another two full days. On that day, he was in our area for a total of 5 minutes. I wasn't able to form much of an impression. He either talks kind of funny or he has braces. I don't want to stare at his mouth for too long to figure it out, though. The second thing I noticed was that he's shorter than me. That worries me not only because of Short Man Syndrome, but also because my unholy asshole boss from the other department is about 5"2' and probably bonds well with other people of his size. Those People tend to stick together. And the last thing I need is that assclown filling Boob's head with lies about my bad attitude. I wanted him to be able to form his own opinion of me and figure out on his own that I'm a nasty, bitter person. Sure enough, Assclown came in on his second day and invited Boob to lunch. I heard him say something about his favorite place, Pei's, being temporarily closed. He is so tacky. He tried taking me to Pei's on my first day, telling me what a great buffet it was. I told him I had recently gotten food poisoning from chinese food, hoping to at least get a $6 meal out of him, but he took us to Zio Johnno's instead. Way to impress someone on her first day, moron. I'm not sure where he and Boob ended up going, but I know for a fact that those f-ers talked about me. When Boob asked how long I had been at the company, I told him that I started in customer service. He started nodding slowly and said, "I know, that's what Jon said." Then he kept nodding, as if he was waiting for me to say something. I didn't take the bait.

So far, Boob seems nice, but a bit of a tool, which is why his nickname is now DoucheBob. He's given three unwelcome lectures. The first came when I was showing him how we place POs and he started explaining that if we can save money by combining shipments, it helps the company's bottom line... blah blah blah. It would've been the perfect time to "no shit sherlock" him, but I don't think he would've seen the humor in it. Instead, I explained that the supplier only ships once a week so it doesn't make a difference. Then today when I was trying to fill him in on the open issues with a supplier that is coming tomorrow (I don't know why the hell he wants to come to that meeting anyway. He can't possibly know what's going on, so he's going to look like a bumbling fool. It's also going to piss me off if he starts trying to muscle in on my free lunches when suppliers come, too), explaining that we accepted a 6% increase, he proceeded to tell me that if I negotiated that down to 3%, I'd be saving the company 3% on all our purchases from that vendor, which helps our bottom line. Once again, no shit, Sherlock. Also? It was the VP that accepted the increase, so Boob and his bottom line can kiss my ass.

I consider the plastic mat that my rolling chair sits on my personal space. It creates a perfect arm's length bubble around me. There's no reason to be in my bubble, unless you're me. Boob, however, has spent more time hanging out on my mat than anyone else in the company, besides me. He'll come out of his office to talk to all of us, but he will stand approximately two inches from the back of my chair. I don't like turning around because I don't want to encourage his bad behavior or look up his nostrils. There's a perfect spot in the middle of the room where everyone could see him and no one would feel violated. Is that asking too much, Boob?