Whoops.

EDIT - I had to blank out the names. My sister Katie (name changed to protect the identity of that ho) decided to tell one of my coworkers about my blog.

I've been stealing Diet Pepsis at work lately. I like to think of it as a victimless crime, because most of the time they're just leftovers from a meeting or something. I work with a bunch of cheap-asses that hoard treats after meetings so the janitors (who probably barely make minimum wage) can't get their hands on an occasional bag of chips or a soda. A lot of times, people will put the leftover sodas in our department's fridge. I think I have as much right to them as anyone else.
I came really close to getting busted a couple weeks ago. I was digging through the selection until I found the (only) DP. A guy that we will call "Dwight" due to his Schrutte-esque qualities came up and made some comment about me needing a caffeine fix. I gave him a polite chortle.
About an hour later, I was passing the fridge and there was a big note in angry handwriting that said, "Whoever took the diet pepsi from the fridge, it was mine. Please replace it by 2 p.m." In my head, I said this: "Psh. Yeah, I'll get right on that."
A few minutes later, Dwight came over to my cubicle and said, "Hey, _____'s pissed at you."
Me: "I don't know any _____."
Dwight: "She's a ______ on the ______ side. You know her."
Me: "Is she new?"
Dwight: "She's been here for like five years."
Me: "Well, I've never met her."
Dwight: "She comes to all the meetings. You know her."
This went on for a while. I swear I don't know this ______, but she must either be socially inept or a snotty bitch if she's never even said hi to me. I know everyone else in the group. Anyway, fast forward a few more sentences.
Dwight: "Well, even if you don't know her, she knows you took her Diet Pepsi."
Me: "How could she possibly know that if she doesn't even know who I am?"
Dwight: "She asked, 'Who took my Diet Pepsi,' and I told her that you did."

Dwight told on me. A 35 year old Microsoft Excel geek with three kids and a bad haircut told on me. But I thought fast.

Me: "That was MY Diet Pepsi."
Dwight: "Yeah, right."
Me: "Then why did it have my initials on it?"
Me, thinking: "Oh shit. Why did I say that?"
Dwight: "Oh, really?"
Pause
Me, thinking: "Shit. If he asks to see the initials, I'll stab him in the eye and run straight to the parking lot and never come back."
Dwight: "Well, sorry, I shouldn't have told her that you took hers, then."
Me (magnanimously): "No problem. Don't worry about it."

The next day, there was a Diet Pepsi in the fridge (I know, because I was checking for something else to steal later on) with a note that said "Sorry ____!"

I looked around. I wasn't thirsty. I didn't need a pick-me-up. But I took it anyway. I can't explain it. The sweetest part of the whole thing is that on both stolen sodas, I got the "Buy one, get one free" caps. I still don't know who "______" is. For all I know, she's made up.