Thursday, May 31, 2007

Things I Learned Last Weekend

1 - I cannot sit outside with an unprotected scalp. I am bald and will burn severely.
2 - The guy at the very top of the bleacher section in center field serves beer until the end of the EIGHTH inning. I'm not sure why they put the guy that sells the beer for the longest in the bleacher section, let alone in the area where there are the most concrete stairs to tumble down.
3 - If a big bouncer is about to kick me out for throwing my beer all over the dance floor, the best defense is to befuddle him by shimmying up to him and freak dancing. He will eventually leave. Then, when the poor bastard making minimum wage comes up to mop my spilled beer, I should grab his mop and grind with it. And no, this didn't happen to me. It's something we witnessed as we mocked drunk dancers at Cubby Bear.
4 - Drunk guys' "sexy" dance faces are even funnier than sober guys' regular sex faces.
5 - I should not get my hopes up in the ninth inning. Ever.
6 - I should not leave my husband alone in a gay bar. He WILL get hit on.
7 - Some of the soundtrack to Once Upon In America is identical to that of Karate Kid. WTF? I'm still trying to get through that movie (America, not KK). It is a little boring and pretty misogynistic so far. Just as it was getting interesting, and no women were currently being portrayed as whores, the first disc ended and I was much too lazy to get up and change it. So I went to bed.
8 - Girls dress like sluts for baseball games. Baseball is a time for t-shirts, ponytails, and white chubby legs sticking out of shorts, not for stilettos, tummy shirts, and tan skinny legs sticking out of Paris Hilton miniskirts.
9 - I am no longer as effective at squatting while I pee as I was in college. One pee, before I was even drunk, I felt myself peeing on my leg. I grabbed the back of my pants so I wouldn't pee all over them, and then proceeded to pee on my hand. When I was done, I don't think a single drop of pee had ended up in the toilet. It was on my jeans, shoes, hand, and toilet seat. A few trips to the bathroom later and I just gave up on cleaning up after myself. Don't judge.


Post a Comment

<< Home